Have you ever had a mentoring or coaching conversation with someone, and it just “clicked”? Clicked for both! The feeling when something unlocks in a conversation. A question lands. A silence holds. Something shifts. How do you get to that moment? That’s what this post is about. If you have been mentoring and want to take it further, or just want to try, read on!

I recently joined as a mentor with Tech Beyond Gender. While discussing the mentoring programme with the founder Meena Satishkumar, we started talking about the joy of mentoring. An idea of a podcast on the topic of The Art and Joy of Mentoring took shape. This post is a short summary of the podcast. The full podcast is linked at the end of the post.

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Before the Art, There Is a Craft

Mentoring is not a gift. No one is born with it. It is a skill. Anyone can learn it. There are two foundational elements that you must follow.

• The contract. Mentor-mentee privilege. Trust is the first thing you build, not the last. Just like in the legal profession there is attorney client privilege which allows the client to speak freely with the attorney. There is a trust that the confidence will never be breached. Similarly imagine a mentor mentee privilege. State it up front. Many mentoring conversations take place in the context of a common workplace. It is important that the mentee trusts that any conversation will never leave the room.
• The intent. What is each person bringing? How do you stop it becoming just another coffee chat? Answer these upfront. The relationship must be based on the intent, something to learn from each other. Have an exploratory chat around the intent for mentoring. What do they want to get out of it? If after a few sessions it feels like chat, rethink, re-evaluate.

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Know the Difference

A mentor is not a therapist! It is also different from a coach or a trainer. I use the below framework to explain the difference. It is not perfect, but it gives you the idea.

A mentor sits closer to future and guidance but never stops asking questions. The difference is the lived experience in the conversation. Keep this tight. It is just a context, not the main act. The lived experience of the mentor, whether it is skill or just life in general, plays a very important role. It is also a reminder to switch roles when you find yourself stuck in one of the boxes.

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Learn the Craft

The top three things to practice before anything else:

• Listen more than you speak. If the mentor’s role is to guide, shouldn’t the mentor be the one doing most of the talking? No. To guide does not mean to talk. The 80-20 rule applies here as well. 80% listening and 20% talking. I find the WAIT check useful: Why Am I Talking? Create the space for a conversation, a dialogue, not a monologue. Treat the conversation like a dance where both partners are engaged and follow each other’s lead. Listen to understand, not respond.
• Sit with silence. Ten seconds of quiet is not failure. It is space. Most of us are very awkward with silence. Resist the urge to speak first when there is silence. When there is silence, there are thoughts, sometimes very deep. Let the mentee take however long they take to verbalise their thoughts. After the silence, there is gold. Only if you let it emerge.
• Start with one question. What is on your mind? Then follow where it goes. Some of my mentees come well prepared with what they want to talk about. Some don’t. Even then, the opening question is powerful, and if there is trust, be ready for some deep stuff!

There is a lot more to it, and you can pick up many skills and frameworks as you go along. These are the core non-negotiables. Start with improving your listening skills, become comfortable with silence, and ask a broad question.

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From Craft to Art

Frameworks take you so far. Then the conversation goes somewhere unexpected and the framework stops working. That is where the art begins. You adapt. You bring your experience into a new shape. An art that is unique to you based on your lived experience.

I had a few mentors in my life, but I owe a lot to David Havercroft. The nuggets of wisdom Dave shared with me have shaped me in many ways. In my early conversations with Dave, he asked “What’s your story Sid?” I couldn’t understand it at first, like what do you mean Dave! His response: “We all have a story. Tell your own story, otherwise people will make up one for you”.

It took me nearly a year, playing with the question in my mind, on paper, with a few folks. The story was not just about my work or my hobbies. It was about why I do what I do. It was a glimpse into me for the listener. It joined the dots.

One question. A year of work. You cannot script that. This is where craft becomes art. If you want to see bits of my story, go to the About and Career sections.

Mentoring across difference sharpens the art. When you mentor someone whose path looks nothing like yours, a woman in a male-dominated space, a migrant building credibility from scratch, you cannot rely on shared shortcuts. You have to listen harder and imagine more carefully. The art is most visible precisely when assumptions run out.

Understand the difference and avoid creating a version of yourself. Be the sculptor, the shaper with the questions and guidance. Let them decide. The outcome is theirs to own. If you have always thought that art is purely about painting or creative arts, read this from Seth Godin.

What is your art?
I define art as having nothing at all to do with painting.

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Art is a human act, a generous contribution, something that might not work, and it is intended to change the recipient for the better, often causing a connection to happen.

Five elements that are difficult to find and worth seeking out. Human, generous, risky, change and connection.

You can be perfect or you can make art.

You can keep track of what you get in return, or you can make art.

You can enjoy the status quo, or you can make art.

The most difficult part might be in choosing whether you want to make art at all, and committing to what it requires of you.

Source: What is your art? by Seth Godin

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The Joy

The joy does not come from watching someone succeed later. It comes in the room, in the moment something clicks. When the other person sees what they could not see before. When you realise you needed that conversation as much as they did. An aspect of mentoring that I have enjoyed is that mentoring taught me as much as it taught them. Joy is when you feel you want to do these sessions, not that you have to. Why?

I love a quote from J. Krishnamurti: “The teacher is the taught. The disciple is the teacher.” Being a mentor does not mean being on a pedestal. I know little. The only experience I have is my lived experience. All my knowledge is bounded by what I have read, learned, or can articulate. I am a product of my conditioning and my biases. When I let go of these in the mentor-mentee conversation, I am the disciple too. This is the joy.

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You Can Be a Mentor

Yes, you can and should be a mentor. You do not need a shiny title to be one. A good start is to mentor the young entering your craft or trade. I started there as well.

The two key barriers are the usual “I don’t have time” excuse, and the “I don’t know enough” hesitation. Fifteen minutes. One good question. Real intention. That is enough to start. You do not need to spare an hour. I am sure you can find fifteen minutes. You don’t need to solve everything. One question at a time. If you have the intention to make a difference, you can make it happen.

As I said in the podcast “Give it a go and make someone’s life much more beautiful.“

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Three Things to Start with Tomorrow

• Find a mentor for yourself if you do not have one. Yes, you can have more than one!
• Teach the junior employees your craft. Don’t seek mentees! “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.“
• Find one person to have a fifteen-minute conversation in your day. You know you have it.

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Here is the link to the full podcast. Watch or listen at your leisure!