Have you ever found yourself arguing, knowing deep down that you’re only making things worse? That’s when I was handed a life-changing analogy: a shovel and a ladder.
Some analogies stick. This is one of those. I came across this analogy a few years ago. I was in the middle of an argument. It seemed to be going nowhere fast. Fortunately, there was a wise person in the room. Looking at me he said: "You are in a hole, holding a shovel, and digging. Pause. There is a ladder next to you. You can choose to use it and get out of the hole." The emphasis was on choose.
The trick is about realisation. Realisation that I am in a hole. Realisation that I am holding a shovel. Realisation that I am digging the hole deeper. Realisation that there is a ladder as well. Realisation that I have a choice which I can make. This realisation doesn’t always happen immediately, and sometimes it comes too late. When the realisation hits, your breath softens, and your heart slows.
I made a mistake. I used the shovel and ladder analogy with my kids a few times. They got the hang of it and started using it against me. During a discussion (yet to become an argument) with my wife, I got this from my youngest daughter: “Daddy, you are in a hole again, with a shovel. How deep do you want to dig?”
Over the years I have learnt to look for the ladder when I am in a hole with a shovel. Once I stop digging, I can see the ladder. The momentary pause, a deep breath, sometimes a sigh, a signal from someone. It all helps.
In most situations where we find ourselves in a hole the ladder is right there. Waiting for us to stop talking and start listening. It’s a choice we have to make, and sometimes, the hardest part is simply realizing it’s there.
Sid Kumar 